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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25316437">unattainable, irreplaceable, you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/teatin/pseuds/teatin'>teatin</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Naruto</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Unresolved Emotional Tension</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 02:49:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,535</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25316437</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/teatin/pseuds/teatin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>They were together. Until they weren't. </p><p>Less than a month later, Gaara and Kankuro led a team on a joint mission with Konoha, and never came back. In the aftermath, the Suna council placed the blame on their former allies, and the newly elected, hawkish Kazekage made the decision to close the country down, severing all ties with the outside world. Trapping Temari in her own home, the beloved land she would give her life to protect, now distorted into a dystopic nightmare, a twisted caricature of itself. </p><p>She heard that Shikamaru was part of the mission.</p><p>She wondered if the blood of her brothers stained the hands of the man that, once upon a time, she would’ve thought she loved.</p><p>Now, the new Kazekage has issued an order she cannot disobey: To kill the only man who still tethers her to the life she had before this nightmare. The man who saw through her façade, broke down her walls, only to shatter her heart.</p><p>It should be simple... right?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Nara Shikamaru/Temari</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>68</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Originally a short fic inspired by <a href="trublwsum.tumblr.com">trublwsum's</a> amazing <a href="https://trubwlsum.tumblr.com/post/620466450691473408/au-where-konoha-and-suna-are-at-war-with-each">art piece</a>, this has snowballed into a full-length two parter with a detailed backstory and resolution and taken a month to write, fueled solely by self-indulgence. We've all had those moments.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You were awfully close to the head of the Nara clan, weren’t you?”</p><p>Grudgingly, her mind snaps back to reality. The pristine white Kazekage’s office. A sight so familiar, but in the last few months has somehow become so alien, so cold and unwelcoming that just being here sends a shiver down her spine. Instinctively, her gaze scans the faces present, desperately looking for a friendly one.</p><p>She doesn’t know why she still does it. Everyone who could’ve been on her side is dead, and the rest are traitors.</p><p>“Temari? I asked you a question,” the imposing voice booms out again, with a clear impatient edge this time. She feels the expectant gazes of everyone in the room on her back, threatening to crush her beneath their weight.</p><p>She swallows hard.</p><p>“He and I have crossed paths a few times, yes.”</p><p>She hears a creaking noise as the Kazekage leans back in his chair, no doubt processing her answer. Gathering her courage, she finally looks up at him.</p><p>And feels a pang in her chest so deep she has to bite her lip to hold back a pained gasp.</p><p>No matter how much time passes, a small, stubborn, irrational part of her still hopes that the next time she’s summoned to the Kazekage’s office, Gaara will be sitting there, probably filling out some paperwork or giving orders with the same calm, practiced air of authority that seems to come naturally to him. Kankuro will be hovering over him protectively, listening intently. And when she finally enters, they will look up at her, Gaara with that gentle smile she’s come to love so well, and Kankuro with some crude, but affectionate remark. It’s a familiar scene, so real she can almost get lost in it. Like a beautiful dream.</p><p>Oh, how she’s taken it all for granted for so long.</p><p>Her heart aches so much she has to click her heels together to keep her knees from buckling beneath her. She shakes out of her dream, and takes a resolute look at the man behind the desk. No, he’s not Gaara, and the bodyguard standing behind him isn’t Kankuro, either. They’re gone, and no amount of grief or wallowing will bring them back.</p><p><em>Focus</em>, she sharply reminds herself. <em>No use dwelling on what is lost.</em></p><p>Then, like a persistent migraine she can’t quite get rid of, the Kazekage’s voice cuts through the silence. “We’ve got word that he’s in the running for the position of the Hokage’s chief advisor. If it all pans out, he’ll become the second-most powerful man in Konoha.”</p><p>Murmurs ripple through the room, whispers of shock and speculation. Not her. She’s not surprised in the least by the fact that Shikamaru has done so well for himself, no. She’s always known he could’ve been a great Hokage, perhaps even the greatest the Shinobi World will ever know, if he really wanted to.</p><p>Her face falls immediately at the next words to come out of the Kazekage’s mouth.</p><p>“Excellent. Temari can approach him, and take him out.”</p><p>For a moment, her blood runs cold in her veins.</p><p>“Take him out?”</p><p>The Kazekage sighs, running a hand over his face in clear exasperation.  </p><p>“I didn’t think I had to explain to you how assassination missions work, Temari. You’re one of our best shinobi.”</p><p>“We haven’t done those in years!” Temari protests. “It’s against our code! Gaara would never-”</p><p>A fist connects with the table hard enough to crack the oak. She refuses to flinch or look away, choosing instead to stare him down head on.</p><p>For a long moment, a pregnant silence fills the room. No one dares to move or speak. Temari holds his intense gaze in kind. She will not show fear, not now. She will not let him win this round.</p><p>Finally, the Kazekage composes himself, sits back down in his chair, and gives her a smile so pleasant that had she not known the man, she would’ve believed was genuine.</p><p>“Temari, my dear,” he croons. “To honor the Fifth, who laid down his life for our country, I’ve bestowed upon you, his only beloved sister, privileges I would not for anyone else.”</p><p>He tears his gaze away from her to play idly with a paperweight on his desk. “It would be a shame for the Fifth’s only living relative to come to any harm, don’t you think?”</p><p>As if sensing her lack of resolve, he continues. “Of course, it’s completely fine if you aren’t up for it. I could send anyone else to do the job, though I’m afraid they might not make it so quick and painless.”</p><p>His voice sounds so nonchalant, so taunting, that it enrages her. She wants to fly across the room and land a punch in the smug bastard’s face, consequences be damned. She wants to tear him to pieces. She wants to scream until her voice gives out.</p><p>Instead, she nods silently, clenching her fists so tight she feels as if her fingernails have left permanent marks on her palms.</p><p>“Understood, Kazekage-sama.”</p><p>“Good girl,” he says, voice almost dripping honey. “We launch our attack in a fortnight. You know what to do.”</p><p>She turns on her heel and sprints out of the room, ignoring the vultures’ eyes piercing through her. For the briefest moment, she thinks some of them even have the decency to look ashamed. Nevertheless, she brushes past them without a word. They’re all dishonorable traitors, the lot of them. A whole court of spiders, and the Kazekage sits at the center of it all, manipulating them like puppets on a string with every slight quiver of his fingers.</p><p>And now he’s trying to do the same to her. The thought of being reduced to another one of his playthings to do with as he pleases makes her feel dirty, tainted. Her sprint breaks into a furious run, as if if she ran fast enough, she could cleanse herself again. </p><p>She doesn’t stop running until she reaches the village border. As usual, it’s heavily guarded, with electric fences as tall as the eyes can see. Nothing gets in and nothing gets out. Lord knows she’s tried countless times; none of her messenger animals or makeshift tools ever got past the border.</p><p>She collapses onto the rough sand. The guards pay her no mind. To them, she’s just another cornered, desperate caged animal on the brink of losing her sanity in this police state.</p><p>When Gaara and Kankuro fell in battle and the village hastily appointed a new, hawkish Kazekage to lead them, life fell apart for her. She even briefly considered taking her own life, but quickly decided against it. It was the coward’s way out. She is the Fifth Kazekage’s sister, the only living testimony to the good deeds he’s done in the name of the country he loved with all of his heart. He would want her to survive this, to see Suna through its restoration to the land he always believed it could be. As the sole surviving Sand Sibling, it’s her responsibility.</p><p>She’s tried to be strong, but even so, in her moments of weakness, she allows herself to remember <em>the way things were before</em>. All the places she could freely frequent, all the people she used to know. Among those faces, one stands out to her, every time.</p><p>Shikamaru. She wonders if he’s happy. She wonders, rather selfishly, if he still thinks about her, or if he’s found someone else now. She wonders if he’ll eventually break their heart just as he did hers.</p><p>She wants to hate him for all he’s done, but she can’t. The truth is, for her, life has split into Before and After, and with each passing day, she feels Before slipping further into a hazy dream as the darkness of After slowly envelops her. And in her most desperate moments, when she feels herself starting to doubt her own memories, she closes her eyes and tries to picture something that tethers her to her previous life, a testament that it wasn’t all a lie.</p><p>Every single time, she sees him.</p><p>And just like that, Shikamaru has come to represent that glimmer of light that she’s holding on to, the light she hopes one day she can return to. She comforts herself with the knowledge that at least a piece of her former life is still out there, somewhere. Some proof that there had once been a life before all of this. On particularly bad days, she even lets her mind wander further, to the image of him lazing about in the shade of a great banyan tree, or strolling leisurely around the village with an uninterested, slightly detached look on his face.</p><p>(She tells herself it’s not about Shikamaru, she’s simply yearning for better times. He just happened to have been there for a lot of it. He had broken her heart, failed to protect her brothers, and abandoned her to her fate. Whatever she may have felt for him is long gone.)</p><p>For the longest time, she’s wondered why the Kazekage keeps her around. As the last surviving relative of the former Kazekage, her very existence threatens his position. In all fairness, it would serve him better to just have her killed. She’s always thought it was because it would be too messy, too scandalous and unlikely to go unnoticed. Now she knows, it’s because he can still use her for one last dirty deed.</p><p>The Kazekage has issued an order she cannot disobey: To kill the only man who still tethers her to the life she had before this nightmare.</p><p>The very thought of it makes her physically ill. She tries to convince herself that it’s not about Shikamaru, that she doesn’t really care if he lives or dies, but it’s a fruitless endeavor. She knows this to be a lie.</p><p>The electric fences seem to close up around her, tightening their hold, threatening to suffocate her, to swallow her whole.</p><p>She’s trapped in her own home, the beloved land she would give her life to protect, now distorted into a dystopic nightmare, a twisted caricature of itself.</p><p>But even now, as she kneels in the dark, the shadows around her seem almost comforting. Almost like old friends.</p><p>Like a bad habit, her thoughts circle back to him. The man who saw through her façade, broke down her walls, only to shatter her heart.</p><p>Looking back, she can tell exactly the moment the cracks started to come in.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It began with such a simple, innocuous statement that it didn’t even occur to Temari that anything was wrong at the time.</p><p>“I’ve been thinking,” Shikamaru began, a bit hesitantly. “About us. About where this is going.”</p><p>“Hm?” she hummed noncommittally, not even bothering to look up from the scroll she was perusing. “What about us?”</p><p>She heard a strangled sound, and a few more seconds of silence. She could almost physically hear his mind whirring, most likely weighing his options. Finally, he spoke again.</p><p>“I mean, you can’t leave Suna, and I can’t leave Konoha. What would that mean for us, in the long-term? Have you ever thought about that?”</p><p>She looks up at him. “Things have changed. Our villages have opened their borders, Suna and Konoha are allies now. Besides, our arrangement has been working so far.”</p><p>He lets out a frustrated sigh, and she restrains the annoyance that’s threatening to spill out of her like a tidal wave. “Has it, though?” he asked. “Don’t you want more out of this? Something more… stable?”</p><p>“What are you implying?” she said, suddenly irritated.</p><p>“When you envision your future in a few years,” he said, slowly. She could see that he was struggling getting the words out. “Where do you see us?”</p><p>For just a split second, Temari was struck speechless. But just as quickly, her walls came back up, and her hackles raised.</p><p>“Isn’t what we have enough for now?” she huffed. “Or is this about you wanting me to somehow ‘prove’ my love to you to stroke your fragile ego? Because I won’t do it.”</p><p>She felt anger rise to her cheeks. Shikamaru was being childish. She would never waste her precious time on him if she didn’t at least enjoy his company, not that she would ever admit it to his face. But he wanted too much, too fast. She wasn’t ready. She couldn’t do it. The thought of going all in frankly terrified her.</p><p>When she looked at him again, his expression was dark. If she hadn’t known any better, she would’ve said he looked wounded. For a moment, it sends a pang to her chest, and she wanted to apologize- should’ve apologized, but in that moment she was too angry, too wrapped up in her own indignation to care.</p><p>“Temari, I didn’t-”</p><p>“Don’t,” she said, putting up a hand in a silencing gesture. “You’ve made your feelings crystal clear.”</p><p>She bit her lip, determined not to give him the satisfaction of getting to her. If he thought she would beg him to reconsider, he was sorely mistaken. If he wanted to see her cry, he’s got another thing coming. Crying was always more his thing, anyway.</p><p>Foolishly, infuriatingly, Shikamaru pressed on. “I’m sorry. But you know I’d never ask you to give up your life and-”</p><p>She whirled on him, furious. “Oh, don’t pretend like you’re doing this for noble reasons. Noble men don’t string someone along for months then break things off when they’ve grown bored or insecure.”</p><p>He rakes a hand through his hair, huffing in frustration. “You know it’s not like that.”</p><p>“Then what is it?” she asked, crossing her arms. “What could it be, Shikamaru? Other than you don’t want to be with me anymore.”</p><p>The silence that followed told her more than any words could convey.</p><p>Temari wasn’t sure if what she was feeling was resigned acceptance or disappointment as she turned on her heel and never looked back.</p><p>Less than a month later, Gaara and Kankuro led a team on a joint mission with Konoha, and never came back. In the aftermath, for lack of evidence to the contrary, the Suna council placed the blame on their former allies, and the newly elected Kazekage, one of Gaara’s former advisors, made the decision to close the country down, severing all ties with the outside world.</p><p>She heard that Shikamaru was part of the mission.</p><p>She wondered if the blood of her brothers stained the hands of the man that, once upon a time, she would’ve thought she loved.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>When the invasion starts, she waits out the first wave, her stomach in knots. In the distance, she can hear the distinct screams of the wounded and the tell-tale metallic clashing of weapons. The warrior in her wants to be out there, doing something, rather than just sitting in this makeshift tent twiddling her thumbs. Not that she thirsts for the thrill of battle the way she used to, when she was much younger and misguided. Every bone in her body aches to be out there in the fight, protecting a loved one or fighting for a just cause.</p><p>Only she has no loved ones left, and the cause she’s fighting for is anything but just.</p><p>It feels like hours until she finally gets her order to move in. The military commander barely gets two words in before she jumps to her feet and into action. She can’t bear another second sitting there, with her mind wandering to the darkest of places.</p><p>Outside, over the hill they’re currently camping on, is a sea of fire. She doesn’t even get within a hundred feet of the battle before the stench of blood and smoke overwhelms her sensations.</p><p>Her heart beats rapidly in her chest as she scans her surroundings. Two shinobi charge toward her, and she does her best to incapacitate them non-lethally. Something akin to guilt flares up in her chest as she recognizes one of them. In her days spent visiting Konoha as a Suna ambassador, she’s made her rounds around the village enough times for certain regular faces to become engraved in her memory.</p><p>Several more descend upon her, and she finds it increasingly difficult to keep up her defense, especially against an enemy that fights to kill. Not that she can blame them, either.</p><p>She exchanges another flurry of blows with three more enemy soldiers, before using her Wind Style to fan a nearby fire, causing enough of a diversion for her to slip away to a less frantic area of the battle.</p><p>As it turns out, there is no such thing. Everywhere she looks, there are burning houses and charred corpses she dares not look at too long. Everywhere there is loss, there is death. Her eyes begin to sting from the smoke… and maybe something more, not that she would ever admit it.</p><p>After all the death and destruction they’ve been through in the Fourth Shinobi World War… the price they paid, the lessons they learned…</p><p>Had her comrades’ sacrifice really been in vain? Had her brothers’ deaths really been for nothing?</p><p>Where did it all go so wrong, so quickly?</p><p>Is this how it goes, round and round, forever? Where does it end?</p><p>She’s clashing weapons with another shinobi, throwing them to the ground, when she senses the unmistakable aura of Shikamaru’s chakra across the battlefield. Following its traces, she finds him ten feet to the North, facing away from her, engaging in hand-to-hand combat with an enemy.</p><p>As he fells his opponent, he turns around to face her, and despite her best efforts, her breath hitches in her throat. Even from a distance, she can see he’s injured; his flak jacket has several bloody gashes on his sleeves and chest, and he’s panting heavily.</p><p>“Shikamaru,” she says, raising her voice slightly to be heard over the deadly cacophony of the raging battle.</p><p>Temari has run through a hundred, perhaps even a thousand different scenarios for how they would meet again. But now that he is standing in front of her, alive and so very much real, she does not know what to say. The man who’s brought her to life and destroyed her all the same. The cause of her suffering and her salvation in her darkest moments at once. Anger, grief, regret, something else she dares not name – all dancing around in a whirlwind in her mind, and for a moment, all she can do is stare.</p><p>“Temari,” he says her name, as casually as he always did when they’d bump into each other running errands, in this very same place. It couldn’t have been longer than half a year ago at best, yet she feels as if it happened a lifetime ago, to another person, in a different universe.</p><p> “When you said you wanted a rematch, this is not how I imagined it would go down,” Shikamaru smirks, but there’s something almost sad about it. “Are you also ‘just following orders’ this time, as well?”</p><p>Anger flares within her.</p><p>“How dare you?” she jabs a finger in his direction. “You don’t get to claim the moral high ground here, when you’re standing there doing exactly what I’m doing.”</p><p>“So it’s purely about loyalty, then?” he asks. She hates his sudden interrogative tone, as if she was one of his usual criminal suspects, laid bare for his genius mind to dissect. She hates the cold, almost apathetic way he regards her.</p><p>Somehow, even after everything, it still cuts her to her core. </p><p>She feels her eyes begin to sting, and furiously wipes at them. <em>It’s just the smoke</em>, she keeps telling herself. She knows it’s yet another lie. “You don’t get to judge me for the choices I made to survive. You certainly didn’t care before, so why do you care now?”</p><p>“Temari…” he trails off, and she feels a selfish, petty satisfaction as his indifferent façade cracks a little. “Temari, I-”</p><p>“Save it,” she waves a hand dismissively. “Let’s get this over and done with.”</p><p>He looks at her for a long moment, and perhaps for the first time since she’s known him, Temari can’t get a read on him. She thinks she sees a flicker of… something in his eyes, but before she can dwell on it, it’s gone.</p><p>“Alright, then,” Shikamaru says finally, getting into position. “I won’t go easy on you this time.”</p><p>“I see time has done little to deflate your male ego,” she retorts.</p><p>And then, in a blinding flash, they collide.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>They exchange blows in a flurry of metal on steel, shadows and whirlwinds. She’s surprised how quickly they re-learn their way around each other, like two puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly. She realizes, not for the first time, that they are so intimately familiar with each other’s every move that every step feels like a graceful, deadly dance. For a moment, it’s almost surreal: she feels as if they were back on a training ground on a sunny day, sparring and bantering until at last they both collapse on the grass, laughing and talking until dusk, whispering secrets they never would admit to anyone else.</p><p>It would be so easy to get lost in that beautiful memory, but she shakes herself free, as she delivers a strong chakra-imbued gust of wind that cuts through Shikamaru’s left arm. He flinches, stumbles backwards, and gives her a smirk of acknowledgement.</p><p>“Keeping me on my toes there,” he says between ragged breaths. “Only you could ever do that to me.”</p><p>“You think too highly of yourself,” she responds. “Maybe you’re just losing your touch.”</p><p>But now that the initial adrenaline rush has faded, she realizes – to her great dismay – she’s not faring much better than he is. Her knees are trembling, she’s got more than her own share of scratches and gashes all over her body, and she’s rapidly sucking in labored breaths as if her life depended on it.</p><p>The battle has come a stalemate, there’s nowhere to go from here. All that’s left now is for one of them to deliver the killing blow and end it all. She doesn’t have to say anything, one look at him and she knows he knows it too.</p><p>One hand on her fan, Temari waits for Shikamaru to make the first move. Instead, he collapses onto his knees and loosens his grip on his kunai.</p><p>For a good five seconds, she’s so taken aback that she can’t even say anything. Once the shock wears off though, anger begins to seep through her.</p><p>“What are you doing?!” she demands. “Are you giving up again? Whatever happened to ‘I won’t go easy on you’?”</p><p>Shikamaru chuckles softly, a sound so small it sends a pang straight to her heart. “Forgive me. It seems I’m at my limit.”</p><p>She drives her fan head-first into the dirt, perhaps with more force than necessary. “Bullshit. Why are you accepting defeat so easily? Get up and fight me.”</p><p>His only response is to look at her, his gaze tired resigned.</p><p>She knows he’s telling the truth, but she’ll be damned if she lets it end like this.</p><p>“Some great strategist you are, huh?” she tries again, a weak attempt to get a rise out of him and she knows it. “I thought you’d have another two hundred scenarios all lined up in your head. Me? I’m just getting started.”</p><p>“Every man has his limits,” he replies casually. “A smart man knows when he’s beaten. Go on, then. Do what you must.”</p><p>His words freeze her in her tracks.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I know the Kazekage wants me dead,” Shikamaru states matter-of-factly. “From the looks of it, he wanted to twist in the knife too, seeing that he sent you of all people.”</p><p>“Stop it,” she snaps.</p><p>“I suppose I deserve it,” he continues, unabated. “What happened to your brothers… I should’ve prevented it. You were right, I should’ve been two hundred steps ahead. I should’ve always had every scenario already prepared in my head for every possible outcome. I failed them.”</p><p>“Don’t,” she says, and hates the way it comes out sounding like a desperate plea.</p><p>“I failed you,” he’s looking at her now, and she knows, this time he means every word. “I should’ve tried harder to reach you. I should’ve been there for you. You’re right to hate me.”</p><p>“Shikamaru,” she feels hot tears running down her cheeks. She hates herself for crying, for showing weakness at a crucial moment like this. Isn’t crying his thing? Hasn’t she always scolded him over it? But she can’t hold back any longer. She’s swallowed her pain and her loneliness for far too long. She’s tired of being strong all the time. She just wants to rest, to be at peace, to be held and comforted and told everything will be alright.</p><p>Part of her hates being so vulnerable, so exposed. But another part is so goddamn relieved, like a burden has finally been taken off her shoulders.</p><p>And Shikamaru… of course it’s Shikamaru. It’s always been Shikamaru. He’s always had a way of tearing down her walls. Even now. Even as they’re standing on opposite sides in the middle of a burning battlefield, in a confrontation that most likely, only one of them will walk out of alive.</p><p>To his credit, Shikamaru makes no snide comment, and when she finally looks at him again, he’s silently regarding with a sympathetic, almost gentle look.</p><p>It almost brings back all the memories they shared together, all the times she found her heart beating helplessly under his gaze. All the times she wondered whether they would ever define whatever was clearly going on between them.</p><p>“It’s your choice, Temari,” he says once she’s wiped away all her tears. “It has to be your choice.”</p><p>And just like that, her resolve breaks.</p><p>“I… I can’t.”</p><p>Her grip on the kunai loosens, and she lets it clatter to the ground.</p><p>Shikamaru looks at her in a way that tells her he’s not surprised by her decision. Somehow, that doesn't surprise her, either.</p><p>Slowly, as if approaching a mirage, Temari takes careful steps toward Shikamaru. He stands still, allowing her to come to him until he’s within arm’s reach. She gently touches his face, carefully avoiding the worst of the cuts. He flinches at first, but slowly, she can feel him relax into her touch. For the first time, Temari allows herself to <em>bask </em>in Shikamaru’s presence, no longer a figment of her imagination borne of a desperate coping mechanism, but as real and tangible as anything. And so, they stay there for a while, and even if only for a few short moments, the raging battle in the distance fades away, and they are the only two people in the world.</p><p>“This is all wrong. It wasn’t supposed to go like this.”</p><p>“We’ll get through this,” he reassures her, though given their circumstances, it lands a little flat. “I don’t know how, but we have to-”</p><p>“I don’t hate you,” she says blurts out before she can stop herself. “Even after everything… I don’t hate you. I don’t think I can.”</p><p>For the first time that night, his eyes widen in surprise, and something akin to a mix of bewilderment and relief washes over his features. Temari thinks that had it not been for their current dire circumstances, she would’ve perhaps found satisfaction in surprising the famously unflappable Nara Shikamaru. After all these years, she can still crack through his exterior (Just as he does for her.). It’s strangely comforting, these littlest things that never seem to change.</p><p>She doesn’t have any time to dwell on it, however. The moment is over too fast, too soon as she catches his gaze harden for just a split second. And then, impossibly, inhumanly fast, he reaches into her weapon pouch, pulls out a shuriken, and throws it behind her, so close to her face that she can hear it whizz through the air right by her ear.</p><p>Right into the carotid artery of a Suna assassin.</p><p>She barely manages to turn around to deflect an attack from a second assailant, who flings a series of small blades in their direction.</p><p>“Kazekage-sama was right,” the second, masked assassin says, voice almost robotic. “He said you wouldn’t go through with it. Your association with him has become a liability-”</p><p>Temari doesn’t listen to the rest, as the assassin is immediately silenced by her Wind Style, which knocks him into a nearby rock formation. He falls to the ground, his body limp and broken.</p><p>“If the Kazekage wanted me,” she declares. “He should’ve sent more competent men.”</p><p>Beside her, Shikamaru sucks in a pained gasp, and she whirls around, suddenly alarmed. A couple of the blades have torn through his flak jacket to lodge themselves in his torso.</p><p>“Shikamaru!” she cries out in alarm, barely managing to catch him as he slumps down. <em>Poisoned blades,</em> she deduces. In his current state, they most likely don’t have very long. “Shikamaru, stay with me-”</p><p>Several more Suna assassins quickly surround them. Temari stares them down, defiant. She knows that in this state, she’s most likely fighting a losing battle. She knows that, in this situation, the more astute solution would be to retreat and survive another day. Temari has never been fond of war. But she fights so that others don’t have to. She fights to protect the ones she loves. And now, finally, she’s doing what she was meant to do.</p><p>She will not lose anyone else. Not on her watch.</p><p>Temari manages to summon a whirlwind (much harder than it sounds, with one arm still supporting an injured Shikamaru) that knocks a couple assassins back. She whirls around just in time to see two assassin coming at her with their weapons. At the last second however, they freeze in their tracks, allowing her just enough time to knock them into a nearby pile of wreckage.</p><p>“Shikamaru,” she admonishes. “Save your strength, you’re in no state to be fighting.”</p><p>“Look,” Shikamaru breathes heavily. It seems to be taking him a tremendous amount of effort to speak. “The odds are against us. I hadn’t planned for this, but… If this goes on… I’ll create a diversion. I’ll try to hold them for as long as I can-”</p><p>“No,” Temari snaps as she sends another assassin flying. “Absolutely not. Out of the question.”</p><p>“Don’t be stubborn, woman-”</p><p>“You don’t get to make unilateral decisions, not again,” she tells him. “I’m not going anywhere. Deal with it.”</p><p><em>“Troublesome,”</em> he mutters under his breath. She pretends not to hear it, but somehow, despite everything, can’t help the smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.</p><p>A few more attacks and she realizes her iron fan is starting to grow dangerously heavy in her hands, and Shikamaru has exhausted himself to the point that his shadows can barely hang on for a few seconds at a time. Her mind is racing at a thousand miles a second. <em>There must be a way</em>, she thinks. <em>It will not end here. Not like this.</em></p><p>Suddenly, she sees a flash of steel, and the remaining assassins fall like puppets whose strings have been severed. It takes her another moment to realize that they are now surrounded by Konoha shinobi… and to her shock, a few Suna shinobi as well.</p><p>Reinforcements, her mind supplies, and it takes every effort for her knees not to buckle right then and there out of relief.</p><p>Beside her, Shikamaru manages a weak, rueful smile. “Cutting it a bit close there, guys.”</p><p>One man, Kakashi, speaks up. “Your plan was quite a gambit to begin with, Shikamaru.”</p><p>“Temari-sama,” one unfamiliar Suna shinobi rushes to her, checking her injuries. “Are you alright?”</p><p>Instinctively, she recoils. “What the hell is going on here?”</p><p>“It’s a long story,” Shikamaru says. “But there is one thing you must know. Your brothers are alive.”</p><p>For a moment, the universe tilts ever so slightly, and she cannot breathe.</p><p>“What are you talking about?” she demands.</p><p>“That joint mission they went on with Konoha shinobi six months ago… it was a trap. A botched assassination attempt orchestrated by the very man who now calls himself the Kazekage,” Kakashi helpfully supplies.</p><p>“When they botched the attempt, they blamed it on us. Gaara and Kankuro survived, but they were gravely wounded, so launching an immediate counterattack was out of the question. They, along with the survivors from their party, were brought back to Konoha to recuperate, but your traitor moved faster than us. He’d already spun a convincing enough lie about their deaths, got himself appointed as Kazekage, then cut the whole country off from the rest of the world.”</p><p>Kakashi’s words ring in Temari’s ears as she takes it all in. It seems as if the final piece of the puzzle has fallen into place, and she’s seeing everything clearly for the first time.</p><p>“For the past couple months, your brothers have been working with us to overthrow the usurper and free you. We’ve tried to contact you so many times, but our letters were intercepted every time. I guess our movements have finally made him antsy enough to strike.”</p><p>“Why did you not tell me straight away?”</p><p>“You were being followed. We had to let their guards down enough, until the last possible moment, so that we could make sure that we could strike the assassins down first.”</p><p>“So all of this is…” Temari begins, trying to comprehend the bombshell that’s just been dropped on her head.</p><p>“We suspect that it’s a way to kill two birds with one stone,” Shikamaru says. “He wants to finish the job on your brothers, and kill you at the same time. That’s why those assassins were keeping an eye on you. If I end up dead along the way, well, that’s just an added bonus.”</p><p>“I…” Temari stammers. “I want to see my brothers. Where are they?”</p><p>“Likely commandeering our third division,” Kakashi says casually. “Don’t worry, they’re safe. You’ll get to see them soon enough. Now we need to move. We’ve wasted enough time already.”</p><p>He reaches out a hand, and though her mind is still in a daze, she takes it, getting on her feet. Beside her, Shikamaru attempts to stand up, only to collapse again.</p><p>“Shikamaru!” Temari exclaims, alarmed.</p><p>Adrenaline finally wearing out, it seems as if all of Shikamaru’s strength is leaving him at once. He looks as if he’s struggling to stay conscious. Temari catches a glimpse of the bloody cuts on his arm and chest, and her heart constricts with a feeling she cannot quite describe.</p><p>“Just… leave me here,” he says, breathing heavily. “I’m not gonna be of much help anyway. Not in this state, anyway.”</p><p>Temari stares at him incredulously. “Are you really quitting in the middle of a war?”</p><p>“You know me, I’ve always been a fan of a tactical retreat,” Shikamaru counters easily. “It’s time for to me retreat from this fight. It’s over for me.”</p><p>Suddenly, Temari is angry all over again. “Excuse me, did I ask for your input? We’re not leaving you behind.”</p><p>Shikamaru throws a pleading look at Kakashi, which is disregarded as the man shrugs, mutters something that might’ve been, <em>“she’s right, you know”</em>, and once again urges them to start moving quickly lest they forget they’re still in the middle of a battlefield. He makes a vague motion that Temari surmises would’ve been him throwing his arms in the air in exasperation, had he had the strength for it. “Woman, for once can you not contradict me at every turn?”</p><p>“I can’t help it,” she says, not unkindly. “Someone’s gotta keep you on your toes. Only I could do that, remember?”</p><p>He gives her a rueful but grateful smile as she helps him up, one arm slung over her shoulder and the other over Kakashi’s, trying not to wince in pain.</p><p>“We’re going to find you a medic,” she says confidently. “Sakura must be around here somewhere, yeah? You’re going to be just fine.”</p><p>Slowly, carefully, their team begins to make their way through the battlefield, doing their best to keep Shikamaru conscious until they reach a medic.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Time has done little to soften your attitude, you know,” Shikamaru says as they’re trudging through the battlefield, voice barely above a whisper. “Still the most troublesome woman I’ve ever known.”</p><p>Just as he thought, she recognizes it for what it is, a half-hearted preemptive goodbye just in case, and predictably, she rejects it.</p><p>“It’s not over,” she says. “Screw that. It’s over when I say it’s over.”</p><p>Normally, he would say he has his doubts about that, but something in the earnest and assured way she said it makes him believe it, too. Besides, even if he had his doubts, he’s smart enough not to voice them right now. Temari has always been a force to be reckoned with, once she set her mind on something.</p><p>Still, his eyelids feel heavy and his body numb. Surely it wouldn’t hurt if he were to rest a little, would it?</p><p>He tries to focus on her face, on the sound of her voice practically ordering him to stay awake and keep up, but he’s so, so tired.</p><p>The last thing he sees is Temari’s face, gazing at him with an expression he could almost describe as gentle, before darkness swallows him whole.</p><p>In that moment, all he can think about is: <em>There are worse ways to go.</em></p><p>
  <em>tbc</em>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Stay tuned for a second part for a more Shikamaru/Temari focused chapter, where I tie up all the loose ends of the Kazekage assassination plot, as well as Shikamaru and Temari's unresolved feelings for one another. It will hopefully make up for all the suffering this chapter. As always, kudos and even comments are very much appreciated!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Apologies for this update taking a month, I did not anticipate life getting in the way so much!</p><p>On with the show!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shikamaru paces – well, limps, to be more precise – around his hospital room, his mind restless. He doesn’t understand why he needs to stay cooped up inside for so long; his injuries are all but healed, and Sakura says they won’t even scar. All things considered, he’s well on his way to a full recovery-</p><p>He winces as a sharp pain shoots through his ribs, forcing him to double over, clutching his side. <em>On second thought, maybe I shouldn’t be trying so hard to get back to work</em>, Shikamaru chuckles ruefully to himself. After all, something tells him this may be the last time he has a valid excuse to catch a break from work.</p><p>It’s strange, how much things have changed. How much <em>he</em> has changed. Once upon a time, he would have wanted nothing more in life than to lie in bed all day. In fact, until very recently, he had been fervently praying for a day off from the daily tedium of being Kakashi’s impulse control. Of course, life has a twisted way of granting your wishes, and now he wants nothing more than to be out there, fighting the good fight.</p><p>Deep inside, he knows the reason behind his agitation: Temari. Right now, she’s out there in the field, leading the combined Suna-Konoha forces along with Gaara and Kankuro on a campaign to restore peace in Suna. He’s been closely following the latest updates on the front, even if he’s been missing out on the actual action. After they had been forced to retreat from the fight, Gaara and Kankuro’s squadrons managed to corner the pretender Kazekage and capture him. Without their leader, his remaining supporters scattered about like headless chickens. A number of them were caught by Konoha forces, while the remaining retreated. Shikamaru’s plan had worked, against all odds. He almost wishes he had been there to see it all unfold, but he knows that its success was reward enough for him. From there, the Sand siblings launched a campaign to retake Suna, which has been going better than expected, all things considered. Once Gaara revealed himself and exposed the pretender’s lies, the tides quickly turned in their favor. The most unrepentant traitors were punished, others were promised leniency in exchange for information on the pretender’s accomplices. Like a domino effect, it’s all falling into place. All that’s left for now is to capture the few supporters of the former Kazekage still at large and dismantle his network of spies, which shouldn’t be too much of a problem, with the two villages’ combined forces at work.</p><p>Shikamaru thinks about Temari, out there in the thick of it. He thinks about his friends and comrades still fighting, giving their all, and runs his fingers through his hair in frustration. All he wants to do is to be out there, whether it’s fighting beside her or following her lead, he just wants to do <em>something. </em>Even if it's just to calm the raging storm inside him, if nothing else. </p><p>As long as Temari is still out there fighting, he has no right to do any less than that. Even if Kakashi assures him he’s doing more than enough, and he’s not entirely wrong: every day since Shikamaru was well enough to have visitors, there have been maps strewn across the floor with areas marked in red and tiny makeshift pieces representing troops being rearranged over heated discussions, ending only when exasperated nurses ushered the Hokage out of Shikamaru’s room, insisting that he needed to rest. At which point Shikamaru would continue on its own, stealthily concealing the evidence from irate doctors and sometimes Ino, whom he had no qualms admitting was the scariest of them all.</p><p>His dedication to work is far from a new development. He’s been pushing himself to work harder in the last few years, but that didn’t always mean he enjoyed it. He would work, and give all of himself out of a sense of duty, firmly guided by his moral compass. But every step of the way, it was always accompanied by an unspoken <em>it’s a pain in the ass, but I guess it can’t be helped</em>. This time, however, it feels different: for the first time, he finds himself striving to do better because he <em>wants</em> to, not because he <em>should</em> or <em>has to</em>. For the first time, he’s not merely bound by obligations and responsibilities, but a desire to become a better man.</p><p>Someone worthy of Temari, even.</p><p>Shikamaru isn’t surprised in the least; she’s always had that effect on him: the way she pushes him to do better, to be better, the way she challenges his preconceived notions and makes him see the world differently, the way she encourages him to take charge instead of passively taking whatever life throws at him.</p><p>He doesn’t think Temari makes him a better man, per se. Rather, she brings out the potential that’s always lay dormant within him. She makes him <em>care</em>. She makes him feel <em>alive</em>.</p><p>God, he misses her. Their time apart has been torture for him, and their continued separation drives him up the wall. Looking back, he cannot pinpoint exactly when it happened, but somewhere along the way, she’s forced herself into every corner of his mind, his <em>very</em> being, made herself at home there, and now he can’t remember a time when she wasn’t there, and isn’t sure he wants to live a life without her in it.</p><p>It strikes him all at once, like a tidal wave that’s been a long time coming: He’s utterly, hopelessly in love with her. He doesn’t know when he started falling for her, but he knows it predates the realization that he could feel that way about anyone at all.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Nara-dono, you have a visitor,” a voice rings out, accompanied by the sound of the door sliding open. He doesn’t have to look up to know that it’s the kindly aged nurse who pops in every day to check up on him. In his short time here, his ears have grown attuned to her very distinct footsteps and her rather unique way of addressing him.</p><p>Still busying himself with his shogi board (which he had bribed Kakashi into smuggling into the hospital in exchange for consultations), he gives a noncommittal hum of acknowledgement. “If it’s Kakashi-sensei, tell him I’m still working on it-”</p><p>“Shikamaru.”</p><p>He stops dead in his tracks.</p><p>When he looks up, he feels as if the wind just got knocked out of him.</p><p>“Temari.”</p><p>He can't quite believe his eyes. There she is, as if stepping out of a dream. Except she looks weary, and a bit apprehensive. Despite that, she manages a tiny smile, one he recognizes as one of her neutral, diplomatic ones that he has seen her wear around representatives from other villages. </p><p>He feels a pang in his chest. He knows that he has no right to expect a warm reaction from her, but somehow it still stings. </p><p>She turns to thank the retreating nurse politely, and as the latter slides the door closed after herself, turns back to regard him with a scrutinizing look. </p><p>“You look like hell.” she says, matter-of-factly.</p><p>Shikamaru has to keep himself from exhaling in relief. Ah, there she is. The Temari he knows, the troublesome woman with the fiery personality and sharp tongue who swept into his life like a sandstorm, stirring up everything in her wake. Before her, he had never been a fan of anything that would disrupt his comfortable, familiar routines, but now he can’t quite imagine life without her loud, blazing presence in it.</p><p>She pulls out the tiny chair next to his bed and sits. For a moment neither of them says anything, but before long she breaks the silence.</p><p>“Fancy a round?” she asks, gesturing toward the shogi board in front of him.</p><p>He hesitates, but only for a moment. Temari is doing her best to break the ice, and he's not about to pass up on the opportunity. Besides, playing shogi against himself can get tedious after a while, and unlike most people he’s played against, Temari always did give him a run for his money.</p><p>He nods, and she sets about resetting the board.</p><p>“It’s good to see you recovering well,” she says as she makes the first move. “I wanted to visit sooner, but…”</p><p>Temari lets the sentence hang in the air. He understands. There’s always been an unspoken understanding between them when it came to their respective duties, if nothing else.  </p><p>“Don’t worry about it,” he says, trying to keep his voice casual, like they were two acquaintances discussing something as inane as the weather. “You have more important things to do. I understand. The campaign needs your attention, and I imagine you’d like to spend more time with your brothers, after… after everything that’s happened.”</p><p>She nods, her left hand wringing the fabric of her dress. “Yes. But, well, we’re rounding up the last of the spies, so I’m trusting them to clean it up on their own for now.”</p><p>Shikamaru gazes at her, and the guilt he’s been trying to suppress hits him full force. Suddenly, he feels unworthy of being in her presence, unworthy of looking her in the eyes. How can he, after everything that has happened? He had this amazing, extraordinary woman who chose him, out of all people, and he broke her heart and let her down time and again. How could he even labor under the delusion that he could ever grow to be someone she deserved?</p><p>“I’m sorry,” he says, and winces almost immediately. ‘Sorry’ isn’t nearly good enough, but it’s all he can offer her at the moment.</p><p>When she doesn’t respond, he finds himself rambling. “For everything. For not doing my job protecting your brothers, for not trying hard enough to reach you, for letting you stay in the dark for so long. I-I know it doesn’t mean anything now, but I just wanted you to know- I really am sorry. If I could take it all back-”</p><p>“In the last few months,” she says softly, interrupting his racing thoughts. “All I could think about was all the things that I would do, all the treasures in the world that I would trade, just to have my brothers back again, even for just a moment.”</p><p>Shikamaru falls silent.</p><p>“And now, I do. They’re alive, and they’re here with me, and I have my family back again,” she tries to smile, and manages something resembling a grimace instead. “Every time I look at them, I’m reminded of everything I have lost, and miraculously, regained. How many people have gotten that second chance? I cannot stay angry, at you or anyone else. The most important thing is that Gaara and Kankuro are alive and well. If this was the way it was always meant to go, then so be it.”</p><p>Shikamaru is quiet as he mulls over her words. It’s just like her, always pushing her own feelings aside. Her family, the mission, or the greater good always came first. Everything else did not matter. He both admires it and hates it.</p><p>“You’re allowed to grieve, or get angry,” he says, moving a shogi piece forward on the board. “I couldn’t possibly understand any of the things you’ve been through, but I do understand that sometimes, there’s no harm in letting yourself <em>feel</em>.”</p><p>The corners of Temari’s mouth quirk into a smile that widens just a fraction, not without visible effort, and it's such a stark contrast to the bright, spunky grin she always gave him at the Konoha gates whenever they parted, that he's momentarily taken aback. To him, it had been a comfortable gesture of affection, an unspoken promise of reunion, and its absence strikes him deeper than any wound. </p><p>(It had become almost like tradition, something that had only belonged to the two of them.</p><p>Something he regretted taking for granted only when it was cruelly snatched away from him.)</p><p>“I know,” she replies, voice surprisingly gentle. “Believe me, I know that. But I’ve had enough time to process my feelings, and at the end of the day, I do believe that I have more to be thankful for, than anything. Besides, I… I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel guilty about it, too.”</p><p>Shikamaru’s head whips up in bemusement. “Why?”</p><p>“I was supposed to be on that mission,” Temari confesses. “But I didn’t want to risk having to face you and pretend everything was normal. I think Gaara knew, since he didn’t insist I come with him like he always did. It was so petty of me, so childish, I don’t know what I was thinking-”</p><p>Her breath catches, and she has to take a moment to compose herself. He lets her.</p><p>“It was my job to look after them, they never went anywhere without me. But I let them go,” she says, and Shikamaru can tell she’s struggling to keep her voice even. “Sometimes, I would lay awake at night, wondering if I could’ve made a difference if I had been there. Wondering if this was my punishment. I had always been able to separate my personal feelings from the mission, but that one time I couldn’t, and it nearly cost me everything.”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Shikamaru says. “It’s my fault.”</p><p>Temari huffs. “You’re not responsible for my decisions.”</p><p>“And you’re not responsible for his,” he counters firmly but not unkindly, referring to the usurper, whose name they are reluctant to speak of even now. “His decisions were his own. It’s neither logical nor productive to keep beating yourself up over someone else’s actions.”</p><p>Immediately, she opens her mouth as if to protest, but perhaps finding his reasoning hard to argue with, decides against it.</p><p>Instead, she says, “I guess we both have some learning to do,” she looks at him meaningfully. “When it comes to forgiving ourselves.”</p><p>Shikamaru smiles despite himself. “I suppose we do.”</p><p>He assumes that’s the end of it, but Temari’s still wringing the fabric of her sash with her free hand and biting her lip, so he braces himself for the inevitable.</p><p>“I’ve been thinking about everything that’s happened,” she says finally. “About the usurper’s plans, and the invasion, and… some things are starting to make sense now.”</p><p>“What things?” He asks, more as a way to let her know he’s listening than to feign ignorance. He’s always known Temari is a sharp and perceptive woman. It was only a matter of time until she put the pieces together.</p><p>“I’ve always known the usurper kept me alive for a reason,” she explains. “Most likely because I was still useful to him somehow. Knowing what I know now, I realize he was keeping me as a hostage, as a bargaining chip against my brothers in case they intended to retake power.”</p><p>Shikamaru nods solemnly. “Yes.”</p><p>“It seemed to me that was the reason why he fortified Suna and isolated it from the rest of the world,” she continues. He can almost physically see the gears in her mind working and rearranging the clues into a complete picture. “Was not only to keep our people from finding out the truth, but also because he knew that he most likely wouldn’t win against Gaara and Kankuro on open field, not again. Sequestering the bulk of his force on home turf, and with me inside, he could ensure that they wouldn’t do anything too drastic.”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“And yet he gave the order to launch an attack on Konoha, claiming it was revenge for what you have done to my brothers.” she looks him in the eyes. “And everything else that happened on the battlefield… it was all part of your plan, wasn’t it?”</p><p>Shikamaru sighed. He supposes there’s no point in hiding it now, she’s all but figured it out for herself.</p><p>“Yes,” he admits. “Granted, it was a long shot, but I had to try <em>something.</em> I had no doubt that your brothers would’ve eventually retaken Suna – your traitor, foresight isn’t his forte – but the thought of you being his captive, with no knowledge of what was really going on and at his mercy, I couldn’t – we couldn’t let it go on any longer than it already had.”</p><p>Temari remains silent, her expression unreadable.</p><p>“So I wrote letters to you, ones that I knew would be intercepted and read. I carefully peppered in information on Konoha that would give the impression that our military was left severely weakened, and that Gaara and Kankuro were unlikely to ever fully recover.”</p><p>“You painted a picture of false vulnerability,” she concludes. “That drew him out.”</p><p>“I can’t take all the credit,” Shikamaru shrugs casually. “Gaara’s insight was invaluable. He was, after all, one of his former advisors. Knowing that he’s a reckless, impetuous man helped me formulate the right tactics.”</p><p>“That’s why he jumped in,” Temari realizes. “He thought he sensed a weakness he could crush in one fell swoop.”</p><p>“But in reality, he was walking right into a trap.”</p><p>“He had been hoping that I would kill you,” she says, voice barely above a whisper. “And then he would have had those assassins kill me.”</p><p>“He underestimated you.”</p><p>“He used me,” Temari says, hands balling into fists. “He used me against my family, and he used me against you.”</p><p>“Hey,” he reaches across the board to lay a comforting hand on hers. He feels her fist relax and loosen ever so slightly. “He will be brought to justice for his crimes. But it’s over now. We won, and we’re okay.”</p><p>“You-” she starts, furiously wiping at her eyes. “I could’ve killed you out there, and the whole time, you were trying to protect me. Biding your time with those assassins-”</p><p>“But you didn’t,” Shikamaru reminds her. “I’ll admit, the plan had its risks. There were so many unknown variables, so many things could’ve gone wrong. But if there was one thing I knew for certain, it was that you wouldn’t hurt me.”</p><p>“You almost <em>died</em>,” Temari raised her voice slightly. “Your heart stopped, out there on the battlefield. They had to bring you back.”</p><p>He has to make every effort not to let the shock show on his face. He had not been privy to this information. Suddenly, everyone’s obsession with making sure he stays in bed at all times is starting to make sense. Perhaps Ino had her reasons when she yelled at him the first time he tried to escape and promptly got caught by Sai.</p><p>He regains his composure quickly, though, and laces his fingers with Temari’s, who at this point looks almost distraught. She makes no move to stop him, and he takes it as an encouraging sign.</p><p>“Well, I <em>didn’t</em> die,” he says in a tone he hopes comes across as soothing. “You saved my life.”</p><p>“You always did need saving.” she concedes.</p><p>He simply smiles. “Some things never change. Thank god for that.”</p><p>When she looks up at him, she is smiling too, even if it’s a small smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes.</p><p>(No matter. He has learned to appreciate small victories like that.)</p><p>The room falls into silence then, the only audible sounds being the occasional scraping of wood on wood as they move the shogi pieces on the board, and the faint scuffling of doctors rushing about in the hallway.</p><p>Finally, Shikamaru exhales.</p><p>He knows there is still one more thing weighing on his mind – on both their minds, even – and he knows the time is now.</p><p>“Temari,” he begins, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. “About what happened between us...”</p><p>He is dismayed to find her retreating into herself almost immediately as she pulls her hand away from his. “There is nothing to talk about,” she waves a hand dismissively. “It was a long time ago.”</p><p>Shikamaru looks at her, really <em>looks</em> at her, and decides that for once in his life, he’s going to step up. All his life, he’s been running away from problems rather than facing them, because he was uncomfortable with anything that disrupted the comfortable routine he’s come to know so well. Not any longer. He had made a mess of things and hurt the one person he never imagined he would hurt, and now he’s going to make it right.</p><p>Even if that means opening up old wounds.</p><p>Even if that means she may never want to see him again.</p><p>After all, he owes her this much.</p><p>“Please, Temari,” he says, voice almost pleading. “I know you probably want to forget. I get that. I’ll just say it once, then we’ll put it away forever. We never need to speak of it again. You’ll never have to see me again, if that’s what you really want.”</p><p>Something akin to surprise flashes across Temari’s face, and when she speaks again, her voice is gentle, if a bit guarded. “It doesn’t matter now, Shikamaru.”</p><p>“It does to me,” he insists. He doesn’t know if it’s the right thing to do, or if it’s just selfishness on his part, a desperate excuse to get some sort of emotional release.</p><p>“I was wrong,” he admits, the way one would confess a sin. “You were right, perhaps subconsciously I wanted you to prove something to me. It was a rather… delicate time for me. The war had just ended, I’d lost my father,” he swallows hard at this. “The world had turned on its head and I guess… I guess I wanted the reassurance of something tangible. Something that would not be easily lost.”</p><p>He sighs, hanging his head. “It’s not an excuse, I know. I shouldn’t have projected my emotional baggage onto you. It wasn’t right, and it was unfair to you.”</p><p>To his surprise, Temari is calm. “Shikamaru, I’ve had time to mull over what happened. You weren’t entirely at fault. I should’ve shown you more that I cared. I shouldn’t have constantly forced you to read my mind then get mad when you inevitably couldn’t. A relationship shouldn’t have been a never-ending guessing game.”</p><p>His first instinct is to contradict her and put all the blame back on himself, but Shikamaru knows full well by now that they’re both stubborn to a fault and it would end up going nowhere. So he tries a different approach.</p><p>“So why did you?” he asks softly.</p><p>Temari gazes at him, and for the first time since their reunion, he no longer feels the walls she had carefully constructed around her. It reminds him of the way she used to be around him; at ease and unguarded.</p><p>(Shikamaru is far from stupid, he knows that’s a privilege she only bestows upon three people in the world.</p><p>God, how had he messed this up so badly?)</p><p>“Before you, I wasn’t close with anyone,” Temari admits after a long moment. “Not in… that way. I didn’t see the point in investing myself into something that wouldn’t last. But with you… somehow, it felt different. <em>You</em> were different. I had thought that… what we had… didn’t need to be clearly defined in concrete terms.”</p><p>Realization hits him like a brick, and he mentally curses himself for being so stupid, for being so selfish for so long.</p><p>“I guess I was just afraid,” she continues. “That if we were to put a name to it, that it would become so real, I wouldn’t be able to deny it. That if it were to end, it would rip out a part of me with it. I didn’t want to grow attached.”</p><p>“Temari…”</p><p>She smiles sadly. “In hindsight, my efforts were in vain, anyway. It didn’t matter. You had already become an important part of me, even if I didn’t realize it at the time.”</p><p>Shikamaru finds it hard to swallow. There’s a lump in his throat, and an ache he cannot quite describe deep in his chest.</p><p>“I thought of you often, the last six months,” Temari says, holding his gaze. “Despite everything, I couldn’t shake you off my mind. I thought I hated you, and I wanted to hate you, but on those hardest days, I thought of you, and things got better, even for just a moment. And when I saw you again, that’s when I finally knew I couldn’t deny it anymore.”</p><p>Temari pauses, biting her lip. She looks as if it’s taking a physical toll on her to continue talking. “It hit me when you collapsed. It was like reliving the pain of losing Gaara and Kankuro, over and over again.”</p><p>“Temari, I-” he can’t understand it, the way he keeps causing her pain, even when he doesn’t want to, even when he’s trying to protect her. Unconsciously, he sinks further into himself, half tempted to forget it all…</p><p>But Temari continues. “But now, I realize that it may all be worth it, after all.”</p><p>“Yes?” he asks, feeling strangely hopeful.</p><p>“It’s because I love my brothers that I was so destroyed when I thought they were gone,” she says. “They are the best part of me, the same way you were a comfort to me in those terrible six months.”</p><p>She reaches over to cover his hand with her other one. “I realize it now. Love and pain go together. Pain is the price we pay for love. I love my brothers, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything, and if a little pain is what it takes to be with them, I’d gladly pay the price every time, if that meant I could have just a bit more time with my loved ones. It's the same with you. Shikamaru, I-”</p><p>“I know,” Shikamaru grasps her hands with both of his, shogi game all but forgotten. It’s taken him a while, but he thinks he finally understands now. “I know.”</p><p>“You’d better,” she gives him what is closest to a genuine happy smile since they saw each other. “If you forget, I’ll be here to remind you.”</p><p>He closes the distance between them then, his hands cupping her cheeks, her fingers digging into the fabric of his hospital gown, pulling him closer to her. Their lips meet, slowly, hesitantly at first, and then all at once. Her lips taste bittersweet, telling a story of a love lost and then found, of tears shed and unshed, of heartbreak and salvation, of home. </p><p>They break apart with a jolt when Shikamaru unexpectedly hisses in pain and clutches his side.</p><p>“Way to ruin the moment,” he whispers to himself.</p><p>Temari chuckles softly, her hands caressing along his jawline, careful to avoid the bandages. “Looks like you’ve overexerted yourself for today, genius.”</p><p>Their foreheads rest against one another as they breathe each other in. Time seems to come to a standstill as their surroundings melt away. For one, glorious moment, the entire world is just the two of them, in their own little perfect bubble of joy.</p><p>Then Temari clears her throat. “And another thing.”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>He hears a clack of wood on wood, and looks down just in time to see Temari’s Pawn trap his King. “Checkmate,” comes Temari’s triumphant declaration.</p><p>“What?” Shikamaru wiggles to get a closer look at the shogi board between them, and indeed, it’s a checkmate.</p><p>He stares at her, incredulous. He’s never lost at shogi before. Not against an opponent that wasn’t his father.</p><p>Something stirs within him, a familiar warm feeling he can't quite put a name to. He thinks about his father, about the innocence that was taken away from him so abruptly, so brutally. </p><p>He looks at her. Her warm radiance, her familiarity, everything screams <em>home. </em></p><p>What is lost can never be regained. But perhaps he can still build something new for himself. It won't be the same, but maybe, with time, it can be even better. </p><p>Temari grins at him, and suddenly he’s yanked all the way back in time. He’s 12 years old again and she’s just leveled an entire forest with one blow. Right now, he’s just as awed by her as he was back then.</p><p><em>Someone’s gotta keep you on your toes</em>, she had said. She had meant it in more ways than one.</p><p>“Can’t live with you, troublesome woman,” he shakes his head.</p><p>“You can’t live without me, either.” she shoots back in jest.</p><p>“No,” he concedes. “No, I don’t want to.”</p><p>At that, Temari is quiet. For a moment, neither of them says anything. Before the silence can get too awkward, Temari clears her throat and makes a move to stand up.</p><p>“Well,” she says, sounding a bit deflated. “I should get going, it’s going to be quite a long journey back.”</p><p>In that moment, as she turns to leave, Shikamaru suddenly remembers a strikingly similar scene, in a much different time.</p><p>“Wait,” he reaches out a hand to grasp her wrist. “Don’t go.”</p><p>Temari throws him a puzzled look. “Visiting hours are almost over. I can always come back later-”</p><p>“No, I mean,” he sucks in a deep breath. “Stay. Stay with me.”</p><p>Temari looks torn.</p><p>“Shikamaru, I- I’ll be back later, yeah? We can talk about this later. There’s no rush.”</p><p>“Temari, please, we've got to have it out now, or else we never will,” Shikamaru says softly, tugging at her toward him so that she’s fully facing him. “I’m not making the same mistake again. I’m <em>in</em>. So don’t walk away. I wouldn't be saying this if I didn't think you still care for me. That you still feel something for me, beyond that simple kiss. I don't claim to be right about everything, but I think I am about this. Because I know you.”</p><p>Temari is silent, but it is a confessional silence. A telling silence that confirms everything he needs to know. But her self-preservation habit kicks in again, and before he knows it, she shifts into defensive mode again. </p><p>“What about all of those other things that broke us up in the first place?” She argues. “We still live in different villages. We still have our own responsibilities that will have to come first. We’ll struggle to even make time to see each other.”</p><p>“That can easily be fixed,” Shikamaru says, aiming for levity. “Won’t have to struggle if we get married.”</p><p>She freezes. It takes her a moment to compose herself. “Nara Shikamaru, are you proposing?”</p><p>He looks away, trying to act nonchalant about it all. “If we’re to do this properly this time, it’s natural for us to go there eventually. It’s only logical to plan ahead.”</p><p>Temari laughs despite herself. “Ever the strategist, huh? I thought you said marriage was too troublesome.”</p><p>“So are you, and yet here I am.”</p><p>For a second, she looks like she’s about smack him, then perhaps remembering she ought not to hit an injured man, visibly restrains herself with a huff.</p><p>“You’re the most troublesome woman I’ve ever met,” he says in earnest. “You’re loud, you’re blunt, and the longest you’ve ever gone without getting on my case is about twenty seconds,” he quickly adds before she can protest. “Believe me, I timed it.”</p><p>Temari’s face is a mixture of shock and incredulous amusement, and Shikamaru seizes his chance before she can come to her senses enough to stop him.</p><p>“But you’re also the strongest woman I’ve ever known,” He continues. “And I’m not just talking about your talent for kicking people’s asses into next century. You’re always terrifying, which makes me appreciate the rare moments when you’re not all the more. You don’t take anybody’s shit, but you would do anything for the few people that you do love. You make my life far more difficult and complicated than it has any reason to be, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Because I know you’ll make it worthwhile.”</p><p>“Shikamaru…”</p><p>“I’m not saying we have to get married right away. Or even at all. We can keep doing what we do and fuel the gossip from here to Suna, if that’s what you prefer.”</p><p>Temari contemplates this for a moment, then turns her gaze to him, eyes twinkling with amusement. “This isn’t because you’re just looking for a shogi opponent, is it?”</p><p>Shikamaru lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. “First, I am wounded by your lack of faith in me. Second, playing against you is marginally more interesting than against anyone else, you can’t blame me for wanting more. Especially since I am now honor-bound to demand a rematch.”</p><p>A beat passes. He hastily adds, “Or we could do it the old-fashioned way, with a sparring match. I know physically beating people has always been more your thing.”</p><p>“Curb your enthusiasm,” Temari shakes her head at him in almost fond exasperation. “We’ve got the rest of our lives to spar to your heart’s content. Even if I know you’ll just end up losing, like you always do.”</p><p>He perks up. “Is that a yes?”</p><p>She makes a sound that’s somewhere between a chuckle and a huff. “You’re the genius, you figure it out.”</p><p>“I’ll take it as a yes.”</p><p>“You really want this, then?” she asks, voice quieter than he’s ever heard her. As if a part of her is still afraid of the answer, or maybe she can’t quite believe that it’s actually happening.</p><p>“I do.”</p><p>Temari smiles then, one of those rare, gentle smiles she only ever seemed to wear around him or her brothers, only when she was certain no one else was around. Even now, it still makes his heart beat excitedly and his stomach churn with butterflies. It’s been so long he’s almost forgotten how beautiful it was, but right now, the familiar sensation as it sets his heart aflutter makes him feel that, even for just a moment, no time has passed at all. She then bends down, and this time, when her lips brush against his, he thinks he finally understands what his father had meant, all those years ago, about being in love.</p><p>“Then you better make it worth it.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Life slowly returns to something resembling normalcy. It takes time. She doesn’t mind.</p><p>At first, she did not expect them to just pick up where they left off, but when it happens, she finds that she isn’t surprised in the least by the way they quickly settle into a comfortable, familiar rhythm. They had always moved in tandem, separate from the rest of the world. Some things never really change.</p><p>That isn’t to say everything has stayed the same. She feels the changes, in the way he slips his hand into hers and squeezes it firmly, the way his lips linger on hers for just a fraction of a second longer, the way his fingers trace along her skin reverently, as if trying to memorize every inch of her, to take all of her in, and never let go.</p><p>Doubt still creeps up on her, from time to time. Every time she feels it looming over her head, her gaze would flicker to him across the room, standing dutifully beside the Hokage or reading out peace terms at the head of the meeting table, every inch commanding authority. He would, as if on instinct, meet her gaze, and she would feel any trace of doubt dissipate in an instant.</p><p>Sometimes, as she is leaving Konoha, she looks back. He is there always, standing at the gates, a steady, constant presence. A reminder that no matter what her fears tell her, there will always be a next time, and he will still be there, waiting for her.</p><p>Shikamaru had told her once, during one of his more sentimental moments, that whenever things got too difficult, all it took for him to regain certainty in himself and the world was seeing her smile. Perhaps this was the same for her. His very presence anchors her and drives back her demons, bit by bit every day.</p><p>Things will never be fairytale-perfect, and there is no magical fix for all of their problems. There are still days when she wakes up in a cold sweat, disoriented and possessed by a crippling fear that it had all been a dream, that she never did escape the clutches of that nightmare.</p><p>Every time, unfailingly, she feels his arms around her, his warmth enveloping her soothingly, protectively. A steadfast promise.</p><p>
  <em>“Shh, it’s alright. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”</em>
</p><p>She believes him.</p><p>Things will never be perfect, but they can get better. Until one day, she wakes up and realizes that she can’t remember the last time she felt scared, or uncertain, and cries with the sheer relief of it all. This time, Shikamaru doesn’t attempt to comfort her, or tell her it’s okay. He simply lets her <em>cry</em>. For that, she is grateful.</p><p>“I think I’m ready now,” she tells him afterwards.</p><p>He smiles at her. “I know.”</p><p>(There will still be much to figure out later, but right now, in this moment, they are happy.)</p><p>Things can never be perfect, but they can be just right. Sometimes, life doesn’t give you what you want, but it will give you what you need, at the right time.</p><p>They still bicker and argue. They challenge and push each other, too hard at times, and their stubbornness tends to get the better of them.</p><p>But they live, and they love with their every being. They keep their promise, to always make it worthwhile.</p><p>Things can never be perfect, but this time, they don’t have to face it alone. This time, they have each other.</p><p>Their life together is only beginning.</p><p>
  <em>fin</em>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you so much for reading <i>unattainable, irreplaceable, you </i>. I hope you enjoyed the journey as much as I did writing it! As always, special thanks to <a href="trublwsum.tumblr.com">trublwsum's</a>  for inspiring the premise, and to each one of you who have read and left kind comments. They mean to me more than you will know.</p><p>This fic originally had a different, much darker ending, and was supposed to only be a oneshot. However, I mulled over it for a while, and my love for happy endings won in the end, so I rewrote it into the final version that you see here. And I'm glad I did, because I'm personally super happy with the way it came out, and I believe that Shikamaru and Temari deserve happiness in every universe. </p><p>Once again, thank you so much for reading and supporting this fic! Until next time!</p>
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